Hello Lovely People,
I thought it was about time that I wrote a post that was of a more personal nature as it’s something I did intend to do right from the start, again please remember that I am in no way a professional writer so i’m really just going with the flow.
I have never really thought of myself as being socially awkward until I read this article from Cosmopolitan – What it’s like to have no real friends and it basically summed up my whole life. Spread out on this one page was me completely and it was so comforting to know that there was somebody else out there like me and I suddenly didn’t feel so alone anymore.
Do I have a best friend? well the answer to that question is sadly no and if you ask me why I really couldn’t tell you, so many times I have asked myself these questions…
Am I good enough?
Am I likeable?
Do they like my company?
Am I fun?
Am I pretty enough? (yes I even thought it was to do with how I looked)
Am I? Am I? Am I? etc etc…
So many questions buzzed around my head which lead to major feelings of insecurity, lack of confidence and my self esteem certainly took a beating.
I’ve even resorted to making up a best friend because I was so scared of how it would make me look, of course I don’t do that anymore I just avoid talking about my weekends and spare time as much as possible.
When I think back to my earliest memory of a friendship, it was in primary school and she was called Tina. We did everything together, we were in the same class, sat with each other at lunch and were inseparable during play times. It was as far as my limited knowledge of friendships go, at that age, a beautiful friendship. Unfortunately for me other events in my life meant I had to leave Tina behind and move away, what would have come from that friendship I would never know.
From that moment on I moved around a few times which meant moving schools so I could never really secure any meaningful friendships not that I didn’t try. I always found little friendship groups but always within those groups I somehow felt left out and found myself being more of a spectator. Obviously everyone had established who their best friends were and I watched as they told each other secrets, shared letters and organised best friend outings and sleepovers all the while hoping that maybe one day I could do this too.
And that pretty much was how it always was during my schools years, nothing ever really changed no matter how hard I tried, I even got bullied and I still to this day don’t know why, yes I had friendships but I like to think of them more as close acquaintances (if that makes any sense).
Do I talk to any of them now? I think you know the answer to that.
Fast forward to now and to quote the article…
“I’m one of the loneliest people I know”
I really hope that when you are reading this you don’t get the impression that I am a horrible, mean and awful person, I am actually the complete opposite, so people around me tell me. Now and again someone will always say “you are so lovely”, “you couldn’t be mean to anyone if you tried” and “who could ever hate you”. It’s all rather thrilling to hear isn’t it but does it make me feel any better? Does it make me believe it? NO!
I know these people that say these things are generally good, kind hearted people and I don’t blame them for wanting me to feel better so if your reading thank you from the bottom of my heart. The reality is, is that when they/you go home from work at the weekend they/you have social events lined up like parties, barbecues, girly shopping days and spa days etc (oh how I wish I could do these things).
*Now I must tell you before I go any further that the one difference I have from Brittany in the article is that I do have a long term partner and he is great. Please don’t be quick to judge and say “well you’re not alone” I know you might or might not think that but I am alone!! I’ve tried to go along with him on his social events but ultimately they are his so I still don’t feel a part of anything and I don’t want him to always feel like he needs to invite me.
So continuing on…
Yes my weekends consist mainly of walks, binge watching my favourite shows, organizing my wardrobe, writing my blog etc, whatever activity it is it’s always done wishing that one day I will have that one person (apart from my partner) to enjoy it with.
I’ve met a lot of really lovely people who I always hope will one day become that one friend, they certainly always have the potential to be, i’m not fussy really. These people tend to be people I work with and we get on really well (in work) but as usual nothing ever gets beyond that. I am in no way blaming them, I’m not going to force anyone to be friends with me, I appreciate anyone’s act of kindness towards me. In fact I cherish those moments. If I leave a workplace we exchange numbers and say “lets stay in touch”, I text them a few times but then that disappears and they never contact me. Was it really a friendship to begin with?
Even in workplaces everyone tends to have their own friendship cliques and I always try to fit in as best I can.
I have now come to the realization that I am never going to have that friend. The friend who will go to the ends of the earth for me, who is going to stick around, who is gonna call me up for advice or even just a chat, who I can call for advice etc. I am always going to have fleeting friendships, the type of friendships were people say “oh I was thinking about you the other day” or “I was going to call you” and they never have or do.
I am still trying to understand why this happens and unlike Brittany I still have no answer as to why I can’t build long lasting, genuine friendships but I will continue to try.
So sum up this post….
Am I lonely – YES!
Am I socially awkward – Probably through lack of social interaction
I live in hope that this will one day change and I will not let this in any way get me down (although to be honest I will always have my moments). I have an amazing group of people around me at the moment, nothing deep or meaningful just yet but fingers crossed watch this space…
I really hope that this post has been helpful or insightful in anyway and thank you for reading this probably badly written post.
I would love to know your thoughts in the comment section below but please just leave a comment or even go to my contact page and say hello.
Thank you so much for your support!!